Herminio C. Geronimo, Sr.

my boys and my man at my tatay's tomb...
Originally uploaded by gorgeousmom.

It was May 22 of 2002. My sister knocked on my door at 4:00am and when I opened up, I saw her crying...and she said..."si tatay...wala na."

When I went down, I saw my nanay sitting in the corner crying...and my tatay lying in the couch with his mouth opened and his left hand on his chest.

It was a cardiac arrest. He died at the age of 68.

He has this cancer of the spleen and he was scheduled for an operation the following week before he died, actually he doesn't want to undergo an operation...he doesn't want to go to the doctor for a check up at all. There was this instance that my sister accompanied him in the hospital for his check-up, as always, they have to wait for their turn. A few minutes later, he stood up and said that he wants to go home. He hates waiting...oh well, that's really him...mainitin talaga ang ulo.

His death was really something that scared me...and also something that made me realized...

When I was a little girl, I'm an ultimate daddy's girl. He gave whatever I want. I even remember how I lay down on his stomach. I can really say that I'm his favorite...and he was really proud of me because I always have an award from school (naks!)...he always say, "anak ko yan".

My projects during the time when I was taking up Industrial Design, he displays it in our living room and everytime someone looked at it, he will proudly say, "gawa ng anak ko yan." "magkakaroon na ko ng designer."

He was soooo strict. 

So strict that he asked each and every male friend that came to our house with this famous line..."nanliligaw ka ba sa anak ko?" Nakakahiya, haha! sobra and my friends will say, "Feeling talaga ng tatay mo ang ganda-ganda mo no?" "Gusto namin sabihin, sorry po, hindi po namin type anak nyo". hahaha!

He was over-protective that I felt suffocated. I did things against his rules. Because for me, I wanted to prove that I can take care of myself...that I am no longer a seven-year old girl.

And when I was in college, we were no longer okay. 

It made me think somehow that my tatay was so disappointed in me. 
We argue a lot...he even tried to hit me...but he just can't.
I saw in his face how fed up he was. Then he'll tell me, "sumasakit ang dibdib ko sayo, umakyat ka na sa kwarto mo." :( :( :(

I wrote him a letter that time. I was expecting that after he read my letter, he will approach me and talk to me like before. 

Because way back then, when I was his little girl, everytime I made him a card and placed it inside the box of his favorite shoes, he will then call me and embrace me and thank me...

But this time, he did not call me , he did not embrace me, and definitely no "i forgive you".

I didn't have the time to talk to him before he died...I didn't have the time to apologize with the pain and hurt I caused him...I didn't have the time to say how much I love him.

I felt, I wasted so much time.

It took me sometime before I have accepted that my tatay was really gone. I always wanted to see him...kahit nakakatakot man, gusto ko talaga pero di pa din sya nagpakita...maybe because he knows na di ko kaya. 

But one time, I saw him in my dreams, telling me na "mag-ingat ako." :) 

After that dream, I felt that my tatay had forgiven me.

Until now, I always talk to him and ask for some guidance whenever I have problems, because I know, if he's still here, he'll be the first person I'll turn to and definitely the first person who'll be there for me...because no matter what...I will always be his little girl.